Today was a busy day and some what enlightening. I had a dentist appointment this morning and was pretty sure I was going to have a tooth pulled. I wasn’t looking forward to it but it was a huge filling and the tooth was breaking away from the filling. Cold things in my mouth were not my friends. I get there and I told them I needed this tooth taken care of and a cleaning ASAP because I would be starting chemotherapy soon. They took the X-ray but explained that they would have to talk to the oncologist before doing any work in my mouth. 😕 I had no idea. Everything I read said get any dental work done prior to chemo and that’s what I was doing. Now mind you, I LOVE my dentist. He’s got the best “chair side manners” of any dentist I’ve ever been too. But this kinda made me mad! Then HE himself came into explain that if something major were to be done in my mouth and chemo got started, my body would be very run down and it would be very hard to fight any infection off and may upset my treatment. I guess I should have had this done a long time ago. They put in a call to my oncologist while I waited and left a message. Now I just wait to see what the next step will be.

I spent part of the day looking for a button up shirt to wear during chemo. They say it’s the best thing to wear because it’s easy to get to the port. I found a pretty soft pink, orange and yellow shirt that was 50% off. Cha ching! While waiting for my friend Kathy to meet me for lunch I was reading another ladies blog which told me the kinds of things you will want to have with you during chemo. I found several things on Amazon and ordered them. A water bottle that has an easy open top. Ginger drops for nausea along with psi bracelets for the same thing. She suggested having a “chemo bag”. So after lunch Kathy and I went to see what TJ Maxx had but were unsuccessful. Then Kathy said she had a bag I could use. Perfect! “chemo bag” check! Some other things suggested we’re crossword or sudoku or coloring book and penciled. A snack. Warm socks. Headphones. A warm beanie once my hair falls out. A blanket or sweater and small pillow. Toothbrush/paste or mouthwash for the metallic taste chemo leaves in your mouth. Lemon heads also help with the yucky taste and the dry mouth. Your phone or tablet or laptop AND their charger. Oh…and I think I might have to make myself a crocheted blanket. I just need to find a really chunky yarn. And of course she said to keep your medical records with you. Especially your insurance card, your Leave of Absence information. Most of all she said to bring a companion. One you won’t feel the need to entertain during treatment.

I rounded out my day by picking up my dad at the hospital and taking him back to his apartment. Then I met my husband and we went and got my hair cut. Really short. Everything I’ve read suggest that you slowly start cutting your hair shorter and shorter. That way when it falls out it won’t be so shocking. Yes I cried but my stylist did a great job of making me feel good. I was concerned because I know Terry likes longer hair but he even said he thought it looked very nice. And then he took me to dinner! I love that man!

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme

I’m sorry for being absent last night. I called my dad on the way home from work and he told me he had eaten a huge lunch and was just going to have a fruit plate for dinner. I said that sounded good and said I wasn’t sure if I’d be by tonight because I needed to go to the grocery store. 2 hours later and he’s calling me. I need you to get over here! I’m sick as a dog. I said if you’re that sick you need to push your “Ive fallen and I can’t get up ” button. He refused and I told him I’d be there as soon as I could. I had food to put away and Terry had fixed me a couple of organic hot dogs! We get there around 7:45 and I asked if he wanted to go to the ER. He said he didn’t know. Well we were in the ER By 8:15 and I think I took Terry home (after picking up Jack, the dog) around 9:30pm. I went back to see what they were going to do and they decided to keep him for observation. He didn’t have pneumonia. He went up to his room at a few minutes after 11pm. I was feeling really sorry for myself and I did something I haven’t done in years. I went to Walmart and bought a big piece of Chocolate cake and a Pepsi and I drove to an empty end of the parking lot and I ate the whole cake and 1/2 Pepsi and sat there crying.

This parking lot eating is something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. When I was married to my first husband I would wait for the kids to go to school. I’d go buy all kinds of crap and I’d eat it in a secluded parking lot. I usually ate until I threw up. What I’m about to say is going to make you scratch your head. It gave me comfort. Yes the food and crap I ate gave me comfort. This went on for years. When we moved from Maryland to NC I stopped. It was a promise I made to myself and I only slipped once for about 8 months…until last night.

I have thought about this all day long and I realize that my father is a sick man. He is a raging alcoholic. He has been all my life. Growing up I never doubted that my father loved me. As I got older and especially after his heart attack 13 years ago he was different. He wasn’t my daddy anymore. He was harsh and said hurtful things. He had never in my life made me cry but after his HA, I cried often.

After my mom died in May of 2015 he drank more, he spit out hurtful barbs to not just me but to my husband and my kids. His own Grandchildren who he use to adore. In the last 3 years I have watched my father shrivel up to a mean, unhappy, grouchy old man. And last night I realized how much I miss my daddy. Just like dementia took my mother away from me, life and alcohol has taken away my daddy. And last night it really hurt. Because I’ve been taking care of him to a certain extent since she died he has come to expect things from me and my family. Well, with my diagnosis and the proposed treatment I’m not going to be at his beck and call anymore and I feel as though he’s mad that I’m not going to be there when he snaps his fingers. I told him during a pretty harsh argument a few weeks ago it was assisted living time because I need to focus on me and my healing. And everyday that he’s been in the AL facility he has had an urgent need and he needed me to come right now!

So last night in my van in the Walmart parking lot as I ate chocolate cake and drank my Pepsi, I cried for the man who use to be my daddy. My hero. And I miss him.

On another note I heard from my oncologist today and Thursday the 12th I go to his office to learn how to deal with chemo. At this point we will schedule my treatments. Monday the 16th, I think, I will have my port installed. Lol sorry that just sounded funny. Installed. 🤪 For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a port is, it’s a small disc that is just under the skin with a tiny catheter that runs to a major vein. The chemo meds are fed into the port. Sounds like fun huh!

I’m still freaking out about my hair so I’m going to get it cut really short…maybe tomorrow. I might even do it myself! I haven’t decided yet!

Well, I’m tired. I haven’t. Even sleeping well lately and just remembered that I SELL a nutraceutical that helps you relax and sleep like a baby. I took 2 before I started this post…

Nightloveyousweetdreamslater!

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme

A couple years ago while working at a different Public Storage location I met a lady and we seemed to hit it off really well. I found out she had a cleaning company and I was looking for someone to help out my dad. She started coming once a week to clean. Then my dad got sick and weak so she offered to go over everyday and fix his lunch and dinner. She was also cleaning my house and doing everyone’s laundry. It was working out so well. But things started disappearing. Stupid things! A brand new tub of butter, a large jar of peanut butter, a jar of Dukes Mayo and 6 brand new steak knives still in their box. I said something to my dad about it and he said he noticed all his red handled flatware was gone and some pretty bathroom hand towels. He decided to say something to her and she acted like she was hurt so we just figured she would know we were watching her. Fast forward a few months and my son Rylee called me at work and said his $20 in quarters was gone. She had been at my house cleaning that day so I called her and she gave me some story that was so far fetched I was angry and let her know it didn’t even sound true. But she had them and gave them back to Rylee and I let it go once again.

Just a few weeks ago my father and I had a huge fight. We had had a few words here and there and he had become very snarky with me. More than usual! I finally realized after this fight with him that she was pitting us against each other. That was the last straw! I typed up a text telling her she was fired, (it’s what the police department suggested I do) and I hit send just before I walked in the door of my fathers house to tell him a few things too. I couldn’t be around the negativity any more. I wasn’t going to buy his liquor any more, he wasn’t allowed to disrespect my husband, kids or myself anymore with his mean comments. Then I told him it was time for assisted living because I needed to focus on me and my healing! I kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him and I’d call him tomorrow. AND “she” was finally gone!

Tonight Terry and I were over cleaning up and packing the things that are left in my dads house and I went to pack up his old collection of travel alarm clocks and they are gone. I don’t remember how many there were, 6 or 8 is my guess. All gone. Then I started looking around for some of the things I’d give. Them over the years and there was nothing! I told Terry, there we so many things that I’d given my parents over the years and I didn’t see any if them. All the little angels I’d given my mom, gone. Anything, EVERYTHING religious, gone. I am so angry I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t have anything to do with cancer but I just had to vent. I’m not sure what to do and any suggestions will be welcomed!

On another note, Terry told me today that if it would make me feel better, he would shave his head too. He said I did t need a wig, just to get some hats that I like and not worry about hair. I sure do love that man! I have a pretty amazing support group! But I have to say… my husband has been pretty awesome through it all. I love you Terry Pupp, with all my heart! Thank you for everything! Thank you for standing by me!

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme

This has been my mantra for the past 8 to 9 months. Jay Noland, CEO of my company, taught us that our outlook for the day is totally up to us. Most days it’s not been a problem. Well except for the day the doctor gave me my diagnosis. Oh and yesterday wasn’t the best day ever, which lead to a sleepless night, which lead to a cranky me this morning. When I did sleep last night I kept dreaming about loosing my hair and it woke me up. And then I had a dream that I work up and all my hair was laying in my pillow. Or it had all fallen out in the shower…like all at once. And this morning when I got ready to blow dry my hair, I started to cry. Loosing my hair is really upsetting to me! I’m not ok with this. I don’t have many thing about my body that I like. I like my eyes and my lashes and my hair. AND IM GOING TO LOOSE TWO OF THE THREE! Then it hit me. I’m vain! Me! How did that happen? I always thought I was a humble person. I sing everyone else’s praises and I’m happy to be behind the scene.

It’s the whole wig thing. They don’t look natural. They really don’t feel natural. It’s going to be obvious and I don’t want to be obvious! Im a behind the scenes person… but if the truth be known, I will be embarrassed. So I’m vain! Or maybe just human. I was talking to Terry about it tonight and he said, why do you need a wig. Just buy some hats. He even offered to shave his head too. What a Prince!

I think I will definitely get a wig and a few cute hats and we’ll see what the tomorrow’s bring. I plan on taking it one day at a time. Making every day a great day no matter what! Bam

Thanks from ridingalong with me.

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme

Today I had an appointment with the surgeon. I was all ready to set a date for the double mastectomy, reconstruction and be on my way. But instead she told me if that’s the decision I was going to make then she was going to have to remove all the lymph nodes in the area which could cause lymphedema. That’s what people have when their arms/hands swell and they usually wear that flesh colored arm sock. Then she said if I do chemo first, the lymph nodes should be cancer free when it’s over. Then they should be able to do a lumpectomy and then just a breast lift. Which will be way easier on me in the end. Because all my scans came back ok and the genetic test was negative, there’s no reason to believe the cancer will ever come back on either side. Oh and also if they do the mastectomy first there’s no way to do reconstruction because they would want to remove most or all of the extra skin. She explained why but I don’t remember. She was very nice and stayed with me until all my questions were answered. She gave me a hug and promised if it were herself or her mother she would have done the same thing she’s advising me to do. As a matter of fact her best friend had just found out she was pregnant and then found out she had triple negative breast cancer. Because she was unable to do the chemo in her first trimester the cancer ended up metastasized to her spine. It only took 8 weeks for it to move and could have been really bad. She started chemo as soon as she could. Now they wait.

So as bad as I didn’t want to do chemo, I’m going to do chemo. Then half way through the treatment I’ll go in for another MRI and back to see the surgeon to see if it’s shrinking. If it is we keep going. If it’s not, then we do surgery. So please keep the prayers coming. It’s not going to be as cut (excuse the pun) and dry as I had hoped. But I’m trusting my doctors. They all come highly recommended and I will believe God has put me in the right hands.

So after my appointment, I drove to a wig shop to see what they had to offer. Well as much as I play with my hair, I’m going to be in real trouble. Wigs, especially synthetic, you comb it off your head, put it on and DON’T TOUCH IT! Yikes. I might be wearing a 🧢 a lot! If you ever want to know about chemo, go to a wig shop. I had 3 ladies tell me what to expect and all gave me well wishes and offered prayers.

I’ve been a little down in the dumps because my SBH family has been in Bowling Green KY at a 4th of July celebration given by our CEO. Then Jan, a team member, sent me a video from the CEO telling me I’m strong and that they have my back. That meant to mush to me!

Today they had a training and Jan sent me another video. It was everyone at the training sending me love and well wishes. Yes, I cried both times! If any of my SBH family is reading this, I thank you and love you with all of my heart! Thank you for standing by me!

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme

Happy Birthday America.

I’m not feeling very good so please forgive me for taking a break tonight. The creative juices aren’t flowing. Ive been trying to write this blog for over an hour and I’m falling asleep in my chair!

Be blessed and safe!

Diana

#standbyme

Today was the day we moved my dad into his new apartment at the Assisted Living facility. It’s a really nice place and I think he’s going to like it there but in his time. He’s always been a proud man. Sometimes to a fault. Ok a lot of the time! But he’s my dad and the commandment tells us to honor our parents so that’s what I’m trying to do. And I do love his stubborn butt!

We started out with my dad Rylee and I going to IHOP for breakfast. Then we went to get my dad a new phone. FYI, flip phones are almost a thing of the past. If you have one, get it fixed and sell it on eBay. Our next stop was his new apartment. He hadn’t been there since the guys moved his furniture in. Well, his recliner and TV were still at his house. We took a few thing there and then it was time to get to know the place…in depth! Then Rylee and I left and went to Walmart. We had to get a few things for him and a new litter box for Peek-a-boo, the cat since she was coming to live with us now.

OH and while we were in Walmart I got a phone call from the Genetic Counclor with results from my BRCA2 test. She had great news, the test was negative. So my daughter and granddaughters won’t have that to worry about! Another thank you Jesus!

A quick trip to the orthodontist for Rylee and we met Terry at home to go get a few last things for my dad. We took him to dinner at Cracker Barrel and back for his and Jacks (the dog) first night in their new place. We ended the day with Mel, Joe and Lia at the Target Parking lot for fireworks.

Another piece of the puzzle has fallen into place. My dad is safe and will be taken care of and I won’t have worry about him not eating right. I won’t have to go over every other day to see if he’s ok because he’s not answering his phone. They will clean his house, feed him, give him his meds and do his laundry once a week. A little more piece of mind as the next leg of my journey begins. I am so blessed. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all your love and prayers.

Please let me know if you’re reading my ramblings by liking and following me. I just want to know who’s out there. And if you need prayer for something please let me know that too. I’ve been talking to God an awful lot lately and would be honored to drop your needs at His feet too. It really has been a blessing to see how these trials have fit in place for little old me! The song says His eye is on the Sparrow and I know He’s watching me!

Be blessed and have a safe and Happy 4th of July!

Diana

#standbyme

I have a full time job that I work Thursday through Monday. I have my coffee business that I work at every second I can. I have a husband and son at home and grown children and grand children. I have an elderly father who I’m trying to get into Assisted Living. AND…triple negative breast cancer has stopped by for a visit. Since my diagnosis I’ve been poked, mashed and stabbed with hollow needles. I’ve had MRIs, CT scan, bone scan, genetic testing for the BRCA gene. Oh and I had to fire my dads housekeeper.

Deep breath… I guess you could say I’ve been a little bit stressed out. But to look back at this point and see how God is lining things up the way they need to be has been amazing! My job and my business aren’t going anywhere. I’ve already got my Leave of Absent ready to go and I can sell coffee from my gurney! My family and friends have rallied around me and have been such a comfort! Tomorrow my father is moving into his new apartment where he will be loved and cared for and I won’t have to worry about him while I’m recovering. But the best news I got today was that the cancer has not metastasized to my bones. The bone scan came back negative and the CT scan only shows what we already knew about! My surgeon called me today to give me the great news! To say a weight has been lifted off my shoulders is no joke and the sick feeling that I’ve been dealing with left too. I kid you not, it felt like something just pulled it out of me! One second it was there and then it was gone. It was a true Thank You Jesus moment. I couldn’t wait to tell my family. We’ve been waiting for this news since June 22. Thank you everyone who’s been praying for these test to be ok. IT WORKED! God is so good!

What’s next for me? I’ll see my surgeon on the 5th at 9:30 and I hope we will make the necessary plans to get this devil out of me! I told her what my decision was and she said she would call the plastic surgeon who would be doing my reconstruction and schedule a time for us to all meet and I’m hoping to have a date for my surgery before I leave.

When the scriptures tell us to find joy in all things, all trials and difficulties, our human reaction can be disbelief. I can attest to that! But so many beautiful things have happened through this time of personal suffering that I have to say I am praising Him for this journey.

Once again, I thank you for your thoughts and prayers! Please keep them coming. This next leg of this journey I hear isn’t fun! I pray that I will be able to continue to praise Him through it all.

Be blessed,

Diana

#stanbyme

Today started out like every other Sunday. Three tired people waiting their turn for the shower to get ready for Mass. I’m always first because I have to do my hair and make up and pack my work clothes and a lunch. Next is Rylee who is a sloth in the morning. I’m pretty sure he gets in the shower and lays down. And Terry is always last because he’s super fast and ready in no time. With only one incident with Rylee watching a video instead of getting ready, we were out the door in record time.

We got to Mass and Rylee was serving on the alter and I was Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist. Taking my place next to my husband I waited for Mass to begin. I was praying that God would heal me from this sentence I’d been given and asking our friend Fr. Kimbrough and my mom to intercede for my healing and I was feeling a bit emotional. Then Fr. Mark read the Gospel from Mark 5:21-43 where he tells about the child who Jesus raised from the dead and then the woman who had hemorrhage for 12 years and how when she touched Jesus’ garment she was healed. Jesus felt His power come out from Him and asked who has touched me? After telling Jesus it was her and what had happened, He said “Daughter, your faith has saved you. Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.” I want to touch His garment. I want to have that kind of faith. Blessing number one. I have touched His garment. I have that kind of faith.

Blessing number two was our choir singing Amazing Grace during communion.

Blessing number three was when the couple who sit behind us every week invited us to dinner at their house. They are new and we’ve been speaking for a few months now.

Blessing number four came in the form of a text message from my best friends daughter, Missy. She is an amazing photographer! She photographed my daughters wedding. She has offered to come to NC from VA to do a whole photo shoot of my family. She said she would come before, during or after my surgery/treatment/recovery or for all three. I was in tears. Im so excited to have them done, I just don’t know when. They will be posted here when it happens!

Blessing number five was an awesome couple who came into work to rent a parking space. We were talking and laughing and for some reason I told her about my diagnosis. I told her we were trying to eat clean but it’s been hard because I don’t like vegetables and have no idea how to cook them unless they come out of a can I to a pan. They must have talked to me for an hour about how to cook veggies, what kind of oil to use, how to mix oil and butter and add garlic and fresh herbs. Man my mouth was watering when they were done. And then they said they were going to bring me some of the oil they use and some of their recipes. It’s amazing how God puts people with the knowledge you need in your path just at the right time!

Blessing number six dinner with Phyllis and Bill. The food was wonderful and so was the company. The perfect end to a perfect day. God is so good.

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme

After a lot of prayer and discussion with Terry, I’ve decided to have the double mastectomy. I’ve read blogs and medical stuff and I’ve talked to women who have gone through or are getting ready to go through the same thing and they have all said one breast is not an option. And now I understand why. I don’t ever want to go through this again. I don’t EVER want to put my family through this again! If they are both gone then the chances of it happening again is very small. So Monday I’m going to call and get the ball rolling. To say I’m scared is an understatement. But I think things have lined up the way I needed them to in my life finally, so it’s time.

If someone tells you cancer doesn’t hurt, they’re lying! I take 800mg of ibuprofen 3 times a day and 2 Tylenol twice a day because it hurts so bad. At night after work I feel like my left boob weights 20 pounds. And if I bump it or something hits it…well just cover your ears because it’s not pretty. It’s time it get this over with.

So since I’ve made this decision, I’ve been boob shopping. If I’m going to have new ones made, I might as well get some perky ones, right!? The ones I have now are old and saggy. I would have been glad to keep them but since I can’t, I might as well get what I want right? I do have a question that I haven’t gotten a good answer too yet. Can they save the nipples? Isn’t that what makes a boob a boob? I guess if I have to I can have them tattooed on. My husband said I should have daisies tattooed there. The options are endless! Decisions decisions! Good night.

Be blessed,

Diana

#standbyme