I’m sorry for being absent last night. I called my dad on the way home from work and he told me he had eaten a huge lunch and was just going to have a fruit plate for dinner. I said that sounded good and said I wasn’t sure if I’d be by tonight because I needed to go to the grocery store. 2 hours later and he’s calling me. I need you to get over here! I’m sick as a dog. I said if you’re that sick you need to push your “Ive fallen and I can’t get up ” button. He refused and I told him I’d be there as soon as I could. I had food to put away and Terry had fixed me a couple of organic hot dogs! We get there around 7:45 and I asked if he wanted to go to the ER. He said he didn’t know. Well we were in the ER By 8:15 and I think I took Terry home (after picking up Jack, the dog) around 9:30pm. I went back to see what they were going to do and they decided to keep him for observation. He didn’t have pneumonia. He went up to his room at a few minutes after 11pm. I was feeling really sorry for myself and I did something I haven’t done in years. I went to Walmart and bought a big piece of Chocolate cake and a Pepsi and I drove to an empty end of the parking lot and I ate the whole cake and 1/2 Pepsi and sat there crying.
This parking lot eating is something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. When I was married to my first husband I would wait for the kids to go to school. I’d go buy all kinds of crap and I’d eat it in a secluded parking lot. I usually ate until I threw up. What I’m about to say is going to make you scratch your head. It gave me comfort. Yes the food and crap I ate gave me comfort. This went on for years. When we moved from Maryland to NC I stopped. It was a promise I made to myself and I only slipped once for about 8 months…until last night.
I have thought about this all day long and I realize that my father is a sick man. He is a raging alcoholic. He has been all my life. Growing up I never doubted that my father loved me. As I got older and especially after his heart attack 13 years ago he was different. He wasn’t my daddy anymore. He was harsh and said hurtful things. He had never in my life made me cry but after his HA, I cried often.
After my mom died in May of 2015 he drank more, he spit out hurtful barbs to not just me but to my husband and my kids. His own Grandchildren who he use to adore. In the last 3 years I have watched my father shrivel up to a mean, unhappy, grouchy old man. And last night I realized how much I miss my daddy. Just like dementia took my mother away from me, life and alcohol has taken away my daddy. And last night it really hurt. Because I’ve been taking care of him to a certain extent since she died he has come to expect things from me and my family. Well, with my diagnosis and the proposed treatment I’m not going to be at his beck and call anymore and I feel as though he’s mad that I’m not going to be there when he snaps his fingers. I told him during a pretty harsh argument a few weeks ago it was assisted living time because I need to focus on me and my healing. And everyday that he’s been in the AL facility he has had an urgent need and he needed me to come right now!
So last night in my van in the Walmart parking lot as I ate chocolate cake and drank my Pepsi, I cried for the man who use to be my daddy. My hero. And I miss him.
On another note I heard from my oncologist today and Thursday the 12th I go to his office to learn how to deal with chemo. At this point we will schedule my treatments. Monday the 16th, I think, I will have my port installed. Lol sorry that just sounded funny. Installed. 🤪 For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a port is, it’s a small disc that is just under the skin with a tiny catheter that runs to a major vein. The chemo meds are fed into the port. Sounds like fun huh!
I’m still freaking out about my hair so I’m going to get it cut really short…maybe tomorrow. I might even do it myself! I haven’t decided yet!
Well, I’m tired. I haven’t. Even sleeping well lately and just remembered that I SELL a nutraceutical that helps you relax and sleep like a baby. I took 2 before I started this post…